Questions

Photo: The silent forests of Belgium taken by moi 

“how are you?”

That can mean so many things. I love getting to know people but I quickly get tired of the surface and superficial things. You see I am more interested in what makes you tick as a person than those quick filler conversations that are done within 5 minutes.

Conversations are one of those funny things, that exchange of information, ideas, feelings, opinions, and thoughts, and I find that there are so many things that get across that are unsaid. It’s a two-way process. There is a time to listen but you can’t have a good conversation without opening up to people yourself.

What makes you relax? What makes you excited? What makes you desperately sad? What makes you indescribably happy? Would you tell me the answers to these questions if I answered them first?

Listening to music, movies, woods and hipster coffee-shops make me relax. I get excited about words, creating stories with a pen, people laughing and having fun, people working together, singing random songs and even walking down the street sometimes with only the sound of my shoes on the pavement makes me excited.

Do you know what makes me sad? The feeling of not belonging. Do you know how many years I was homesick for a place to call my own, how many years I felt lost and I could not tell a single person? Do you know that I cannot wait to go to heaven one day, see my Saviour face to face. I want to, someday, be able to touch His face and know that I belong somewhere.

Do you know what makes me happy? People who love me, family and friends. It’s the sarcastic banter between friends, traveling on trains, that knowing that you are friends with someone very special, coffee in the morning, coffee in the afternoon, coffee that doesn’t keep you awake at night, night sky, the Pacific Ocean, mountains, dancing in the kitchen, and people smiling at you from afar, all of those things make me happy.

I am old enough now where I realise that I am too tired for meaningless conversation, people who will not open up to me, and people who use me. At the same time, I don’t want to stop caring, stop being soft, being vulnerable, being honest and open. Sometimes I feel like it would be wrong to stop caring. Sometimes I feel like the world is so full of cynical and bitter people who are mentally training themselves to only care and love themselves. Should we neglect ourselves? No but I don’t want what this world wants. I don’t want the dried-out upbeat shallowness of empty relationships and adrenaline highs to cover up the emptiness and the fear that seems to parade into the essence of our lives. I don’t want the debt, I don’t want the culture wars, I don’t want the racism. I don’t want my America. I don’t want my Britain. Do you ever get sick of it? Do you ever get lost in the crowd? What do you want your life to mean?

I want it to mean something, in the little things to the big things. I want to keep on going on, further up and further in, into this life that I’m called to, beckoned to. I’m called into something higher, I believe everyone is, Someone higher to be exact, Jesus. I want my life to be a picture of adoring and serving Him. Yes I get sick of this world that I live in with terrorists and broken bodies. Yes I feel lost in the crowd every single day. But I’m alive and there is joy in life.

Do you really know much about me? Probably not, unless I open up to people, people don’t really get to know me.

I can’t help but feel that it’s time to open up so here I am.

If I open up, would you open up to me?

-Savvy

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