Photo by the Jess Mcghie (of course)
I yearn to live and love and burn, and yet so much of my time is spent faking and forgetting, faking and forgetting… I carry out my disbelief with uninspired hands, my eyes shut, my emotions dulled, my spirit numb. In times like these I am in desperate need of truth to come to me like a blinding light, like a splinter in my soul, reminding me of the brevity of my time here on earth.- Jon Foreman
Sometimes, the Christian life feels like dried out and rough skin. Sometimes it doesn’t feel real, doesn’t seem worth it and the Scripture seems irrelevant to me. The words don’t fit with me. They can’t make me feel something. I can’t connect with it.
Still I go through the motions. I come to church on a Sunday. I smile to people. I try out small talk unsuccessfully. I sing the songs. I roll my eyes when the worship leader tells us to “clap your hands”. I listen to the sermons. However I don’t feel like I am learning anything new. I don’t feel like I am growing. I get the feeling of my foot being asleep. I feel numb.
That bothers me. I want to be constantly learning. I want to be in constant wonder and awe. I want to apply it to my life. Lately though, everything seems stale, because I feel like I have heard all of that before.
I read a book called ‘The Calvary Road’ by Roy Hession and I ponder about revival. I ponder the words that Roy Hession wrote, ‘Revival is just the life of the Lord Jesus poured into human hearts’. I ponder about the fact that maybe I am more comfortable with the absence of revival than the presence of revival and the truth is that worries me. I admit that I feel this but then I wonder; what is the next step?
Maybe it is simply being honest and saying the truth; I feel numb, I feel numb, like a broken record. Saying the truth instead of faking me and this is an attempt for me not to fake it. Saying the truth because they say that the truth will set you free. I don’t want to live with hallow eyes, burnt-out teeth, and feet fast asleep. I need something more than me. I need something real, something tangible, and something reachable. However I need something more than my feelings. My feelings are too interchangeable, dependent on the context, misleading and not reliable. I need to rely in what I know for certain. This is what I know for certain. I am broken and Christ is whole. I am unloving and Christ is loving. I am unmindful of Him and Christ is mindful of me. I am dried-out. I have nothing to bring to the table and have nothing to do expect to respond and trust that the response will create something out of nothing. He calls me to worship and obey, and neither are reliant on emotion but on action. You act to obey and you act to worship. The passion comes as I respond. Therefore I need to respond and trust that the rest will come.