I’ve already written about this here so think of this post about Part 2 of a series that will hopefully not continue (way too dry for my liking).
I go and open up my Bible and flip a few pages to get to where I am reading. I go over to Psalms 107 and I read verse 35, ” He turns the wilderness into pools of water and dry land into watersprings.” I read it. I read it again. I read it a third time and I realize, “I am not made to be barren, to be dry.”
I read this on my bed, the morning light streaming through my window with my sister still snoring in her bed. I read the whole psalm again, bits of verses and phrases popping out at me. Verses mostly having to do with being dry. “They wandered in the wilderness in a desolate way, they found no city to dwell in. Hungry and thirsty, their souls fainted in them. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distresses.” (verse 4-6). They stick out at me like sore thumbs, and I read some more and I read and hear more about how the heart of the righteous is steadfast, established, and rooted in Jesus. I hear that. I see that. I want more of that.
I am not made to be barren, to be dry.
I feel like a dying fire at times, glowing hot and blue with dead wood and ash crushing me. I have recognized something in me recently. I recognize barrenness scribbled in throughout my name. I recognize deep-rooted fear in me. I recognize deep-rooted insecurity in me. I recognize brokenness and sin and weakness in my nature. I recognize dryness. However I also recognize something else. I don’t need to be dry.
“He turns a wilderness into pools of water, and dry land into water-springs. There He makes the hungry dwell, that they may establish a city for a dwelling place, and sow fields and plant vineyards, that they may yield a fruitful harvest. He also blesses them and they multiply greatly; and he does not let their cattle decrease….whoever is wise will observe these things and they will understand the loving-kindness of the Lord.” (verses 35-38,43)
Jesus alone is the only One who can make an oasis out of my desert. I am not made to be dry. I am not made to be constantly dried-out, unsure, and doubting. I was made to be filled. I was made to be whole. I was made to be strong. I was made to be kind.
I see the words and I know that I can’t try to apply them by myself and on my own. I pray and tell Jesus that I don’t feel right, that I feel dry, that I don’t feel like going through the motions. I tell Jesus that I want to be a bright and raging fire, not dying and glowing blue. I tell Jesus that I want to love Him more.
With that, I feel my first emotion connected to Jesus and connected to Christianity in a long time.
I ache, and I feel like I am being filled.