Are you tired of your Christian friends? Do you wish you knew someone who doesn’t agree with
some of every single thing you believe? Are you looking for someone to challenge and question you? Well, look no further than your own Atheist Best Friend (ABF). Having an ABF offers many benefits and here are a few guidelines to how to make the most of your friendship.
You can flex your evangelical muscles
Nobody wants to listen to you rant about God – even your ABF, although, that they might be a bit more willing. C.S. Lewis recommends a strategy called, “the Good Infection.” Plant the idea of God existing in your ABF’s head so that it grows and, eventually, becomes a conviction. However, you need to be sneaky.
Instead of: Thank God the weather’s nice.
Say: Oh my God, the weather.
When your ABF is annoying you…
Instead of: Dear God, help me.
Say: For Pete’s Sake! (Pete being an abbreviation of Peter who was one of Jesus’s apostles. When they ask you who Pete is, you can tell them that.)
When your ABF asks you how it is that our sins have been forgiven…
Instead of: Because God took on flesh as Jesus Christ and died on the cross for us and took the sting of our sins.
Say: God knows how!
If you train your pattern of speech to follow these suggestions, you will surely convert your ABF to Christianity.
ABFs have the best dating advice
Any escape from Christian Dating literature is a golden opportunity to glean some insight that doesn’t over-spiritualize the power of hormones. Plus, if you wish you could talk about boyfriends/girlfriends, commitment, communication issues, Valentine’s Day, and anything else dating-related WITHOUT a single mention of the M-word (you know, marriage), then what are ABFs for? They will scratch your head for you when you wonder what it means to ‘be intentional’ and ‘center your relationship on God.’
When your Christian friends encourage you to get engaged after six months of you being in a relationship, you have your ABF to assure you that there’s nothing wrong with dating for TEN YEARS before getting married. You might think they’re not taking into account the fact that you plan to, ahem, wait until marriage. But believe me, they haven’t forgotten.
In fact, that’s probably the first thing they think of when they see your face.
In fact, that’s probably the only thing they think of when they see your face.
ABFs won’t judge you
Tired of your Christian friends raising their eyebrows when they learn you were stumbling about in drunkenness last night? Do you wish they would stop bugging you about how you occasionally – occasionally – watch an insy, winsy bit of, well, you know, porn?
Good news is, your ABFs don’t care about those types of things. (Obviously!) You can be about to clean your room until you got high. You can eat an apple without washing it. You can buy a candle that has a fragrance called, “Seduction.” For a lot of things that cause Christians to vapor-lock and die, ABFs won’t judge you. Believe me, I know, having had
one loads of ABFs in college. They might even be okay with you jamming out to Nikki Minaj. Just don’t tell them your views on abortion. Or capital punishment.
So there you have it! The next time it’s my turn to post a blog piece (September 23, I believe), look out for “How to be Friends with Christians.” Because we all know that’s the real challenge.