It was a normal Thursday expect it wasn’t because I don’t seem to have “normal” days. This Thursday, I had to pick my little brother up from school and was left in charge of my small gang of brothers and sisters as the parents flew off for a holiday in Portugal. I was late for the first day of a new job, I had to deal with scary insurance people from a minor car incident that happened the week before, and I didn’t finish work till 10:30 at night. By Saturday I had woken up with a raging headache and an aching body. I was exhausted.
Stress, worry, and overthinking are all old friends of mine. They like to crash in my head, throw a wild party and tangle up my thoughts. To some degree, this happens more so now that I am an “adult” and have responsibilities. Currently I juggle 3 part-time jobs, study for a degree, and all while trying to pursue my dream of writing. I can now drive. I have to pay the bills. I’m overly cautious about money. People ask what I do. I explain and they still don’t get what I do. I try to work hard. I’m trying to do the best that I can with what I have and with what I want to do.
Did you ever imagine what your life would be like as an adult? I thought, by the age of 21, I would have everything together. I would be done with university, I would have a great job, I would live on my own in a great little apartment that just screamed of class. By the time I qualify as an adult, my life would be set. Now I qualify and suddenly I realise, I don’t have everything together, my life is messy and complicated, and I’m stressed out. I get well-meaning “actual” adults coming up to me and asking me what are my plans for the future and what is it that I want to do? The only honest thing is to say “I don’t know” and that is hard.
However through all of this, I’m stretching, growing, and learning something new everyday. I’m learning that worrying just shows my disbelief in God and that stress shows how much I want to control things around me. I’m learning that confessing that to God and to myself, admitting that I don’t have everything together, and that I’m somewhat of a control freak is healthy. I’m learning how little is in my control. I’m learning that asking for advice from people is a good idea. I’m learning that often writing all of these problems down make the problems seem what they are; small compared to what is going on around me. I’m learning that sometimes you just have to put on red lipstick and tackle the day. I’m learning that singing Twenty One Pilots songs helps me not to feel stressed, ironically. I’m learning that I have to say no sometimes. I’m learning to say yes to new things. I’m learning to pray and to give my burdens over to Jesus instead of trying to carry them myself.
Most of all I’m learning that I won’t have everything figured out and that I’m still in progress and that is okay.