Photo taken by my brother Garrett (it’s his birthday in a few days so Happy Birthday Garrett!)
It has been one of those days. One of those small, feeling-insignificant days spent in hiding. I’m quite good at hiding. The last few days, my old anxiety has been coming back. You have never seen me Rachel, with my old anxiety. I’ve tried to shed it off, like a snake shedding his old skin but for some reason, the old skin is wanting to come back on. Not quite comfortable in my new skin, maybe I was meant to play with the old skin more.
I want to pretend and write my life pretty and write myself confident. I would like a self-assurance, a belief that I am enough as I am, and that would carry me through all areas of life. Deep-rooted confidence is what I want, but reality is often the opposite. Deep-rooted anxiety, deep-rooted fears, deep-rooted insecurities, and I tend to think that I’m the only one around who has these things. Because everyone else can write themselves pretty and write themselves confident. I feel like I’m the only fearful and insignificant person in a room of confident and impressive people. If only I can walk and smile with causal confidence instead of walking and smiling with doubt. Deep confidence, the confidence that forms the very foundation of me, and superficial confidence, the every-day ‘I-got-this’ attitude; I want it all.
How do you get that confidence? Most people told me that it had to do with age but I wonder if it is that simple? Other people give me a checklist in an easy-to-follow blog format which obviously I have not mastered but I wonder if the process to becoming a confident person is more individual than anything. How do you grow in that area? How do you become the person that you want to be? How can you do that?
However this is all just me trying to be confident with just me. Maybe I don’t have to find a way to be content with anxious, fearful, and insecure me. Maybe I can be different. Maybe confidence is possible, without me trying to be confident with tense and unstable me. Maybe my confidence needs to come from something more stable.
You see this is just the tension between anxiety and confidence, of doing my own thing and submitting that someone else knows better than me. ” In the fear of the Lord, there is a strong confidence, and His children will have a place of refuge ” (Proverbs 14:26). Ironically, confidence is a paradox. It is accepting the things you can’t control. It is humbling yourself. It is recognizing that you need help and submitting to that help. You see, naturally I am a jaded soul, with no control and no stability. Anxiety is my lot. However, I am meant to be a redeemed soul, accepting my limited control and submitting to my stability. Confidence is meant to be my lot. This is who I am meant to be.
I take a step towards confidence hesitating, Lord, I’m sorry, please change me..