In terms of my faith, intellectually I’m convinced that I will never lose it. You can’t lose salvation. In my mind, I am reminded of comforting and affirming words that I read in Scripture, ‘ For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord’ (Romans 8: v. 38-39). I play with those words in my mind, because not only are they powerful, they calm me. However this is something that I am convinced of mentally. My feelings don’t always agree.
I wish I could say that I have walked with God faithfully. I wish that I could say that I have only grown and not decrease in love for God and for people. I wish that I could say that I have always loved God. I wish that I could say that since my commitment to Jesus and to my Christian faith, my faith has only gone uphill.
However, I would be lying. My journey since I committed to Jesus has had many twists and turns. I have had highs. I have had lows. There has been many times where I have thought, do I even believe in this? There has been many times where my doubts have startled me into a panic, what if I am losing this? This faith, this feeling of home, this comfort, this salvation? Of course mentally I immediately disagree. Nothing can separate us from His love, Savannah, get a grip. Still there is a tension and discomfort. It is an insecurity.
I feel like I’m constantly getting lost and being refound, losing salvation and finding it anew. My spiritual life has always been a process and not a ‘before and after’ scenario. If Jesus is living water, then I am a desert. That is what my name means. My name means barren, grassland, and I have even read ‘wasteland’ in a baby’s name book (so rude). The desert has its beauty, but it is harsh, unforgiving, and stubborn. Very few plants can take root. It goes on for miles and miles and God help you if you get lost in a desert. If you don’t find water, then you die. That’s life. That’s my life. At times it feels like I’m in a cycle of feeling the gentle rain of living water, and then I end up in a drought. Constantly lost and being refound.
I go back to evidence of my faith. I go back to the Bible and find another promise to grip onto when I wander into a desert. The Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your soul in drought, and strengthen your bones; you shall be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail (Isaiah 58:11). Despite the feelings and the doubts that occasionally come over me, I replay those words in my mind. You shall be like a watered garden, and I repeat the words in my brain, finding comfort in the fact that Jesus promises to takes me, as a barren, dead wasteland, and turn it into a living and growing garden. The focus has to be on the One who has found me. Otherwise I will continue to be in a cycle of feeling constantly lost and being refound.