How I Feel About My Life Now

Saturday afternoon. Late. Like 5ish.

I roll over in bed at the dregs of my nap, gaze out my bedroom, straight into the lounge. Glowsticks in place. Non-alcoholic wine lining the fridge. A drizzle outside to rinse out the Florida air. In two hours, my friends will be here, filling my apartment with noise. I’m ready.

When Savvy and I wrote our end-of-year blog post ‘10 Big Changes for Savvy and Rachel,’ we each shared five major changes that happened to us in the past year. For Savvy, a lot has changed but (in her words) “not in the visible, in-your-face” way.

For me, my life changed in a lot of visible, in-your-face ways.

I roll onto my back, hold my face in my hands. It’s a habit I should shake. It’s when I’m overwhelmed with emotion. When I’m watching a scary TV show. Or, in this moment, just feeling totally bubbled over with joy.

Savvy’s dad aka my pastor back in England said how happiness is a moment while joy is a perpetual peacefulness.

This feels like joy. I am totally content.

Some challenging, ‘adulting’ changes, yes, but most of it for the best. I’ve made friends—how can people you only just met become so close to your heart?—and I’ve spent time with family I wouldn’t otherwise get to see.

I feel autonomous in my own life with my own lived-in apartment. I have my chums to call. I have my customized life.

Birthday Party1
Photo Credit: Sara Pelletier

“Thank you, God,” I whisper under my breath. I’m enjoying this moment, drinking it up, in the now, because I know what I will feel next.

My friends won’t always be at my disposal.

Friends move away or I move away.

Savvy, you know how it is.

I like to think I’m very good with change. But honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. In fact, I think it gets harder as I get older.

I feel a nagging voice in my head now. Life, when it’s so full of blessings, also feels as fragile as a bubble. It can instantly change.

But when I feel nervous about the future, I’m comforted by my faith. I know to be grateful for the present and to not worry for what God has planned for me in the coming months.

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. Phil. 4:6-7.

I still deeply miss my life in England.

But where I am at now is a blessing.

When things do shift again, I will have another chapter of my life to feel nostalgic for. But the best thing to do now is to treasure the present and, at best, look to the future with excitement. Because with the future, it feels like anything is possible.

Søren Kierkegaard said: “What wine is so sparkling, what so fragrant, what so intoxicating, as possibility!”


Photo Credit: Sara Pelletier

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